


You Ain’t Never had a Waifu like These

by SaintedStars



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angels, Crack, Gen, Harems, Inspired by Music, Isekai Setting, Music, Singing, Song: Friend Like Me, Songfic, The Author Regrets Nothing, This is weird, What Was I Thinking?, best girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:47:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintedStars/pseuds/SaintedStars
Summary: Did you ever wonder how Isekai protagonists are chosen? Well, there turns out to be a lot more singing and a lot more choice. Because they don't pick their plot, they pick their partners! Now if only our lovely MC knew about that when he arrived in the afterlife.Thankfully, he has an angel to help him decide. A sarcastic, blunt, impatient angel.Unfortunately, there is a lot more selection than he bargained for!





	You Ain’t Never had a Waifu like These

_Where…. Where am I?_

“Well… That could be answered a few ways but I’m not sure if you’ll like what I’m going to tell you.”

_Wait… Who said that?_

“I did! I can hear everything you’re saying, dumbass!”

“Wait… Oh shit, I’m saying this out loud!”

“No shit sherlock!”

“Alright, who’s talking?” I ask, looking around. The first thing I realised was that this was not where I remembered being last. I had been on my way to the store, was crossing the road, saw a bright light and… now I was here.

“W-Wait! Am-Am I-“

“Well looks like you came to that conclusion on your own. I hate to say it cowboy but you’re dead. Hit by some dingbat who decided to try drag racing in their new car and are now being arrested for hit-and-run.”

Was that supposed to be their way of giving condolences?

“Alright but that still doesn’t answer my question. Who are you?”

“Ah… Right. I forgot about that.” There was a flash and a girl with white hair, wings and a really short dress appeared. Feeling my face heating up, I immediately averted my eyes away from her. Alright, so that pretty much confirmed it. I’m dead and… now what?

“I’ll be damned, you’re the first person who didn’t immediately try to look up my skirt.” The girl remarked, looking impressed.

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not,” I said, covering my eyes.

“It’s a compliment. Relax. Anyway, we have bigger things to focus on. Namely, what you’re going to do now.” At the very least, you couldn’t say that the girl wasted time. I looked around myself, taking in the empty void that I had found myself in. As I looked all around, I saw that things were gradually coming into being around me. First, there were a pair of chairs, a table and… a tea set? Then something that looked like a stage and three flights of stairs that rose from the ground and reached far into the distance. The girl marched over to one of the chairs and sat herself down, her wings giving the smallest of flutters behind her. She summoned a clipboard laden with papers from thin air and perused it as I sat down, still trying to make sense of what I was looking at.

“Alright, so we need to focus on what’s going to happen now. It doesn’t seem like you were a particularly religious person but you did a liking for anime so that’s a plus in your favour.”

Oh yeah… I was dead. I forgot about that.

“What do you mean a plus?”

“Well, here’s the way that the afterlife works. Turns out all of the things that you had an interest in whilst you were alive count towards what afterlife you get. Interests, religion, experiences, deeds, all of it comes together to determine when you go when you pass away. For you, it seems that I can offer you quite a selection of pathways but you won’t remember what happened here after you go there. Things will play out as they’re meant to when you get there but I’m afraid that you just have to make the best of the situation you wind up in.” Okay, that was a lot to take in so suddenly.

“This must be pretty overwhelming but bear with me. You’ll forget all about this when you’re reborn and you won’t have to worry about anything but what happens to you next.” She explained.

“There’s also a major bonus waiting for you as well. You should know about this from all of that anime you watched so I won’t bore you with all of the nitty-gritty details. All you need to do is choose which pathway you’re going to go down.” Was she… Was she talking to me or herself?

“I’m talking to you and I can still hear everything that you’re thinking. There’s not much that I can’t hear while you’re here. But don’t worry about it. Justs keep your thoughts PG and I won’t sentence you to burn in Hell.” She remarked, still looking over the paper with a decidedly bored look on her face. She put it down after she had finished scanning the last page and focussed her attention on me.

“So, I’ve looked over your file and I’m pleased to tell you that I have quite a selection of afterlives for you to choose from. You just need to decide which you want to follow.” The girl said, standing up and taking flight, standing before the stairs. I got to my feet, still feeling like I was being left out of the conversation and followed after her, wondering where she was going with this.

“There’s just one small thing that we have to take care of before I can send you off but relax, it’s really fun and it’s probably the best part of this job.” She said, cracking her knuckles.

“And what would that be?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Who’s going to be in your harem! Duh!” She exclaimed, irritated that I hadn’t immediately connected the dots.

“Wait, what? I get a harem in my next life?!” The girl rolled her eyes at me. I would have been irritated at her but I was too excited about getting a harem to care about that.

“And the penny drops. Look, I’ve got a lot of shit to get on with today so let’s get this started already.” She said, clearing her throat. “We’ve assembled a group of what I believe are called ‘Best Girls’ from all of the routes that you can take so let’s bring them out.” She declared, clapping her hands three times and a raucous tune of trumpets and other percussion sprang to life as she began to sing,

_“Well, Issei Hyodou had them forty maids,_

_Tenchi Masaki had a thousand girls,”_

_‘Really? A thousand? And where was that music coming from?”_ I asked myself

_“But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves_

_You got a brand of charm that never fails!”_

“ _Wait, what? Really?!”_

_“You got some power in your corner now_

_Some heavy ammunition in your camp.”_ Flashes of light sprang up on the bottom step of the stairs and standing in their place was three girls, each of them gorgeous and dressed in a very odd assortment of clothing. One with blue, white and yellow trim holding a staff topped with a pink flower, another in black with roughly cut brown hair, a staff and an eyepatch and a blonde in pure white armour.

_“You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how_

_See all you gotta do is try your luck,”_ Another flash and three more appeared. A well-endowed brunette in a tight purple dress, one in a very low cut dress with the same hair as the girl she was standing behind and what appeared to be a thief with white hair, an exposed midriff and a scar on her cheek.

_“And I'll say_

_Mister so-and-so, sir_

_What will your pleasure be?”_ The girl was leaning against my shoulder, smirking down at me while wiggling her fingers.

_“Let me take your preference,_

_Jot it down!_

_You ain't never had a wife like these!”_

_Boom!_

This time, there was a girl with chestnut brown hair topped with a pair of… raccoon ears? Another blonde with wings in a white and blue dress with bare feet and a little girl with indigo blue hair done up in ringlets, her dress matching the shade of her hair.

_“Life is your restaurant_

_And I'm your maitre d'.”_ She wiggled her fingers again, looking very impressed with herself at the girls she had presented me with. She summoned the clipboard back towards her and fanned the pages out with her fingers. I tried to look over at the lists of names but she had whipped it out of sight.

_“C'mon whisper what it is you want_

_You ain't never had a wife like these!”_ Another explosion of light and three more girls appeared, two of trio dressed in chef whites, one with long honey blonde hair, another with blue hair tied in pigtails and a girl with darkly tanned skin and a pronounced bust being the odd one out in shorts and a flame patterned bikini.

_“Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service,_

_You're the God,_

_The knight, the Lord!”_

_‘Now that sounded appealing!’_

_“Say what you wish_

_It's yours, try this,_

_How about a few more blonde ladies?”_

_‘Blondes aren’t really my type but hello!”_ Three more had been summoned and each of them was a blonde. Another dressed in armour with a blue and white skirt underneath with her hair done up in a braid at the back of her head, one who appeared to be… wait, was she a centaur? She had the largest breasts I had ever seen so that swiftly took my attention from the rest of her and there was a third who seemed to be more of the demure type, pressed in a red and black uniform with flowing corn-yellow hair and a single hair curling backwards in the front.

_“Have some of column A_

_Try all of column B!”_

_‘Those certainly weren’t Bs from where I was standing!’_ Three more appeared and this time, they were armed, one with long purple hair and a wooden sword, a red-headed girl with a massive gun and a pink-haired girl with glasses and a shotgun strapped to her back.

_“I'm in the mood to help you dude_

_You ain't never had a wife like these!”_

_“Can your wife do this?”_ At her words, the first three girls drew their weapons and all at once, the girl in black set off an explosion that the blonde girl promptly threw herself on and the blue girl drowned herself in a sudden water spout. Welp… I know which route I will not be choosing.

_“Do your wife do that?”_ This time was a lot more promising with the girl in purple creating a massive block of ice, the second girl in black charging a beam and firing it over our heads and the third reaching out her hands, using magic to steal three pieces of fabric from the first three which turned them beet red. She hid it before I could get a good look though.

_“Do your wife pull this out their little hat?”_ The girl with raccoon ears pulled out a sword, looking prepared to charge.

 _“Can your wife go poof?”_ The tiny blonde turned into a huge, fluffy bird.

 _Well, looky here!”_ The final member of their trio put her hands together in front of herself and a vortex of water shot over them.

_“Can your wifes go, Abracadabra, let 'er rip_

_And then make your rivals disappear?”_ Now the three chefs had brilliantly sharpened knives in hand.

_“So dontcha sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed_

_I'm here to answer all your midday prayers!”_ The girl flicked me in the side of the head, grabbing my attention away from the assorted beauties in front of me. She soared in the air with a single bat of her wings and snapped her fingers, summoning three more gorgeous women into being. These three had to be the strangest yet! One was a red-head with a giant snake tail dragging from her midsection, a blue-haired girl with wings and talons and a third dressed in a yellow raincoat but her body seemed to be made of blue and green slime!

_“You got me bona fide, certified_

_You got a Goddess for your chargé d'affaires!”_ Was it just me or was that blue-haired girl with the staff looking pissed at the girl?

_“I got a powerful urge to help you out_

_So what-cha wish?_

_I really want to know!”_ She cupped a hand behind her ear, looking like she was having the time of her life.

_“You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt_

_Well, all you gotta do is rub like so - and oh!”_ She rubbed her hands together and summoned a whole crowd of women with a flick of her wrist, too many for me to concentrate on a single one _._

_“Mister Main Character, sir, have a girl or two or three_

_I'm on the job, you big nabob!”_ I only had a minute to wonder what she was talking about before another crowd of girls appeared, this time adorned with ears and tails, fins, hooves, too many or no legs at all! Where could I even start?

_“You ain't never had a wife, never had a wife!”_

More and more of them. They were just piling up! Each of them different, unique and even more perfect than the last! Blondes, brunettes, redheads and hair that was all of the colours of the rainbow. Where did they keep coming from?”

_“You ain't never had a wife, never had a wife!”_

All I could think about was them piling up on top of me, hugging me, holding me, kissing me!

_You ain't never had a wife like these_

My knees gave in and I collapsed backwards onto the ground, the only thought in my head being the faces of all of these gorgeous women!

_“You ain't never had a wife like these, hah!”_ With a final massive explosion, the girls returned to their previous stationary positions, looking like perfect models that one would find standing on a shelf in some otaku’s room.

The girl was still floating above me, looking immensely proud of herself with her arms folded. I was too spellbound by what I had seen to even speak!

I couldn’t do it! There was too much choice! How was I supposed to pick just one? There were way too many options for me to take. Why couldn’t I go to a world where I got all of them?

“I’m afraid that isn’t an option. You have to choose someone so I can send you off. I’m not singing that again so hurry up!” She urged, fluttering back over towards her seat and settling down in her chair.

_‘God, what a princess…’_

“I heard that, dumbass. Now pick one already!” She insisted, pouring out a cup of tea and sipping it, one leg folded over the other.

“Alright, alright. Just… Just give me a second.” I said, looking from each girl to the other. “Alright, looks like I don’t have much choice…” I covered my eyes and pointed out in a random direction.

“I choose that one!” I shouted, determinedly not looking.

“As you wish.” The girl stood up from her seat with an air of impatience and held out her hands. Under my feet, a golden circle appeared and I was surrounded by a cylinder of light, a strong wind lifting me off of my feet into the air, heading towards the sky.

“Good luck! Try not to die too quickly!” The girl called just before I disappeared.

“Wait, what?” Was the last thing that I said before everything went black.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I do not know what the bloody FUCK I was thinking. This is bonkers, I just knew that I needed to write something to this effect but wow! This is utter shit! You can thank Konosuba and the habit that it has of pairing Megumin with this song for this marvellous hunk of shit. 
> 
> I'm stuck in quarantine for the next two weeks (Thanks mum!) and it sucks! So I'm gonna try to write as much as I can whilst I'm stuck inside. Tomorrow, I've got a very special surprise for all of my wonderful readers and I hope you all enjoy it. It's from a pretty new series but if you're anything like me, you're going to love it. I can't stop snickering whenever I think about it.
> 
> Also, I had a list of girls that I was going to put in here and you'll notice that I didn't name any of them. That's because this is also a game for all of you lovely readers. I want you to try and guess which girls I added and you get bonus points if you can name the series they're from as well. Good luck!
> 
> The song count of this is a tiny 4 times and I'm quite proud of that.
> 
> You can always find me at SaintedStars on Tumblr and any and all comments, kudos or bookmarks are always appreciated.


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